I fix Nintendo.

With the recent news that Nintendo [are] considering 'a new business structure', I feel that it is my duty and my duty alone to write a blog piece on exactly how to fix their situation. So wax your shafts, lads; it's party time.

Suitable H-RPG logo.

  Subscription Henti RPG,
Genius move here, if I do say so myself. You see, the devil's in the detail. Everybody loves a cheeky whiff of tentacle-trash to no$h their respective wang at, but it's hard to get fully immersed into a world where Cthulhu, the abyssal-lord of compassion, cares more about spilling his demon-juice than the innocence of the knights and maidens, the intestines of whom he is kneading like soft dough. So Nintendo need to actively get the players invested in the universe, so give us swords and staffs and shit and we'll just lap up all of 'dat sweet sexy tenti' penetration. I don't know about you, but I'd gladly lay down £~7 a month to see a character I sunk weeks and months of character development into get gang-railed by a bakers dozen squid ogres.









Stop paying everyone and everything,

Gaius Plinius Secundus

Nintendo's main problem, from where I see it, is that whilst they make a profit on everything they sell, they actually make a loss on stuff they don't sell. This seems to probably be due to the fact they have to pay to make the stuff in the first place. Plus they have to pay to market it, and they have to pay everybody that works for them. If they simply stop spending any money, they can't lose any. Slam = dunk. Problem = solved. E=MC².

Image I forgot to remove

Killer7, No more heroes 3, and shadows of the damned 2.
This probably won't actually make them any money, but for fuck sake, N-Dwag, just do. It doesn't even matter if they're bad, I'll buy them any way, and my money is better than other peoples money because my money is being spent on things that I am about to own.

Verdict:

Nintendo is skating on mighty thick ice, and they're always attempting some mighty tricky dance moves, they're bound to slip up a few times (Wii U, 3ds launch), but they only really need to nail one or two of them (Wii, DS) and we'll forget how they kept on falling and focus on the triple backflip bukkake they just nailed. Just keep at it, Nintendo, you greasy schlongs.